Disappointed Seven Year Old

On arriving at Splash Camp on Monday, Xander, my oldest, found out that he was being moved from the intermediate swim class to the beginner class. To add insult to injury, Caleb, my youngest, was advanced from beginner to intermediate.

While I can't shield my boys from disappointment and set backs -- nor should I -- it was a major bummer, which put a damper on the week. Xander was in full analysis mode trying to explain what happened, "maybe it was my backstroke," and "I don't tread water as well as I should." Caleb wasn't helping, "backstrokes and treading water are so easy."

Of course I spent the week fretting a decision we've made. Xander may have very mild cerebral palsy (spastic diplegia) -- we don't know for sure. It sounds worse than it is. If he has it, it is very mild. So, mild when you first meet him you might not even notice. It affects his eyes (intermittent strabismus), his hands (poor fine motor skills) and his legs -- mostly his legs. He has a funny gait (he walks on his toes and his feet and knees turn in slightly). Because of this he has trouble running, balancing and descending stairs.

Last year we took him to see a pediatric neurologist, and she determined that he does have paralysis in his left leg, and stiffness in his right leg. She scheduled an MRI. While we made it to the appointment, we didn't go through with the MRI; Xander was too scared (a combination of the confined space and loud noises). The technician suggested that we ask his doctor to sedate him. After talking with his doctor we decided the risk of sedation outweighed the benefit -- a diagnosis.

If he has undiagnosed CP, as I said, it is really mild. But everyone who knows Xander sees that there are things he struggles with, we just don't have an official label yet. Of course, I head into a tailspin of self doubt when he gets perfect marks on his report card except for two Ns (needs improvement) in gross and fine motor skills. Or when I overhear a parent struggling to answer the question from Xander's friend like, "Why can't Xander run well?" I wonder what is said to Xander when I'm not around to hear.

In some ways a diagnosis would be a relief. Without a label people can be insensitive (misinterpreting his challenges as not trying) -- moving him to beginning swimmer for example. But in other ways a diagnosis scares the heck out of me.  With a label people could be overly sensitive... would they keep him in intermediate even though he is clearly falling behind because there would be different standards for Xander? Or would they suggest special accommodations, exclude him from a program because he has difficulty keeping up even though we know he can do the work?

Of course Xander is taking it all in stride. Just today he said that he likes being in beginner, that he needs to work on some skills, and if he works hard he'll pass the swimming test.

We spent the week learning about disappointment and how it is a part of life, and that we all have different gifts, interests and personal challenges. Xander is learning to play piano, likes Cub Scouts, Karate, games, reading, math and science, is on the Honor Roll and still loves swimming.  Caleb may be a gifted athlete, may pick-up things quicker and may always be better at sports than Xander. Xander shouldn't compare himself to Caleb. I think Xander gets that. But disappointment still stings.